I Don’t Love You (?)

I just spent an extended amount of time with my husband – we went on an 9 day holiday with family. It brought home to me how much we have changed as a couple from when we first met.

I can’t say for my habits etc, I can only hope they’re not too annoying, but I realised how many things he does that irritate the hell out of me. To name a few – not only is he a loud eater (even daughter commented) and totally unable to sit still or be quiet for any length of time, but he has also turned into a complainer. His mother has always been pretty negative and it seems he is getting more like her. It got to the stage where our son didn’t want to sit next to him on the flight home. I can’t stand someone who complains all the time, I always try to see the good/bright side of things after suffering pot-natal depression. Hearing someone whinge so often really brings me down.

Don’t get me wrong, I have a loyalty to my husband and he is very good to his family in a lot of ways, but I have come to realise that I don’t want to spend extended lengths of time with him. I don’t know if I particularly even like him. If I met him now I wouldn’t marry him.

This seems sad, and horrible of me and I do feel bad for thinking it let alone writing about it, yet it’s a truth I have to face. Having said this I wouldn’t instigate a divorce, I do still care about my husband, but can you care about someone you kinda dislike? It seems I can and do.

It has happened gradually over the years that we lead pretty separate lives and I think that’s what will keep us going over the remaining years. I have no wish for anyone else, I couldn’t face the thought of dating again. The only situation I could wish for is to live alone – but that’s more for the fact I wouldn’t have to cook & clean & wash for anyone else.

So I guess it’s just me and a tolerant attitude.

Share

Battle of One

Being a parent is akin to being in a long-running battle, sometimes like a war of attrition. I battle against my kids when they’re growing up to try and ensure they grow up decent human beings. I battle against the educational establishment in their attempt to knock the individuality from my offspring and enforce and ever increasingly narrow education experience that teaches to pass exams and not to enquire and explore. I battle against the government who constantly want to interfere in the way I bring up my children because obviously ‘they know best’ even though half the time they behave like spoiled brats. I also battle against others who think they know best – parents, other relations, friends and so on.

My children are now teenagers. very individual people in their own rights (as it should be). Some battles I won, some I feel I lost, but overall I am extremely proud of my children. They are beginning to take over their own decisions about their own life journeys; letting go is my final battle, and the only one I want to lose.

Share

This Flight Tonight

“Damn, fuck and blast it,” Sarah was pissed off and didn’t care who in the airport knew it. She had to fly from New York to LA for a last minute business emergency and had just been bumped from the flight she wanted.

Slamming her overnight case down on the floor she slumped into a chair, crossed her long legs and leant her head back to try and release some of the tension. Now it was a waiting game but the man at the desk had promised he would do his best to get her on the red-eye. Of course, she had fluttered her eyelashes at him rather than lashing at him with the acerbic tongue. The blonde bimbo at the next desk wouldn’t have fared so well she knew, although she was pretty if you liked that kind of thing.

 

Rubbing the back of her neck with a slender hand she caught the eye of the desk guy and gave him a smile. She knew he’d been gazing at the hem of her very short skirt so she shifted slightly in her seat to give him more of a view of her thighs in their sheer tan stockings. Judging by the confused blush he had just noticed the clasp of her suspenders, he dropped his glance back to the desk and shuffled a few papers. Well, Sarah thought, she could entertain herself a little at least. Using both hands she flounced her long dark curls through her fingers which, quite by accident you understand, pushed her breasts forward so the buttons on her crisp white blouse strained against them. She knew he was still looking at her on the sly and didn’t mind providing a show, especially if it got her a good seat on the red eye.

Her mobile sang out, Sarah bent to retrieve it from her bag. Oh great, her boss. She flicked the ‘ignore’ button, maybe her battery had died.

“Excuse me Miss.”

Sarah looked up to see Hot Desk Guy looking down at her. Her smile looked full of hope.

“I managed to get you on the red eye, I couldn’t quite swing First Class but I got you upgraded to Premium Economy if that’s OK?”

“Aww sweetie, that’s so good of you. Thanks.”

“Not a problem Miss. Just come to the desk when the flight’s called and I will sort everything for you.” Sarah admired his ass while he walked back to the desk. Hmm, shame I got that flight she mused.

****

Premium Economy was certainly better than slum class. The seats were just that bit wider and so much more comfy. The menu was better too although it was a bit late to be eating. Sarah took her allocated seat by the window and hoped that the aisle seat would remain free so she could sleep in peace. She hated red eye flights.

Just as she was relaxing in solitude Sarah heard the stewardess guiding someone to the seat next to hers. Damn. Keeping her eyes closed she hoped whoever it was would take the hint and leave her in peace. No tedious small-talk if you please was the vibe she was trying to give off. She felt the person settle into their seat, male she thought. That was definitely after shave and a really nice one too. Turning her head slightly she tried to make out what the face accompanying the scent looked like. Bet it’s some aged old business stiff.

Through her half-open eyes she could make out a shaggy crop of long jet black hair and an almost pretty profile as the obviously-not-a-business-stiff leant his had back against the seat and sighed. Oh boy, maybe she wouldn’t want to ignore this guy. As if by accident she brushed the foot of her crossed leg against him.

“Oh, sorry.” Sarah put on a sincere expression and then lost herself in the most hypnotic golden brown eyes she had ever seen.

“Hey, not a problem.”

She smiled shyly at this gorgeous male specimen that had entered her world and then, as he grinned back, her smile changed from shy to wicked. His appreciative eyes assessed her from her lengthy curls down past her primly buttoned blouse and on to the not so prim skirt and slim thighs. Sarah arched her eyebrow at him and asked,

“Do you approve?”

The man chuckled and looked her straight in the eyes.

“Abso-fuckin-lutely.”

*****

A couple of drinks later, JD and coke for her black coffee for him, it was like they were old friends. James, or Jay as he asked her to call him, flirted with her outrageously, he was so sexually confident and loved to gently touch her in not quite inappropriate places. So far her had brushed her hair out of her eyes (catching her cheekbone with his feather-light touch), stroked her arm while telling her a funny anecdote about his work and then placed his palm on her thigh by her hemline when confessing he thought she was beautiful. Seeing in her eyes that she didn’t object he slid his forefinger under the hem and his eyes widened in surprise as he encountered the bare flesh above the top of the stockings.

“Oh my,” he sighed. “Stockings are so sexy honey.”

“I know, they feel so much better than god awful tights.”

His finger continued to caress her skin as he leaned forward and whispered in her ear.

“I do have a complaint about your attire.”

“Really?”

“Yes honey, your blouse is buttoned too high.”

Sarah giggled.

“You teasing me honey?” Jay softly blew in her ear. “Just one more, maybe two. Please.”

Sarah loved a man who begged so seductively so reached up to the first button and slid it out of its hole.

“Is that better?”

Jay glanced downwards and shook his head.

“Another, please.”

Sarah ran her finger down the fabric to the next button, incidentally revealing a little cleavage and then released the next button.

“Ahhh, that’s better honey. You have gorgeous tits you know, and I love white lace bras.”

Sarah found herself blushing at the thought he was gazing down her blouse. Jeez, I haven’t blushed involuntarily since High School. What’s this guy doing to me?

“Do your panties match?” His words were like a tropical breeze against her skin making her hot with desire.

“Yes, naturally,” she responded, trying to regain some composure and failing spectacularly.

“I wish I could see you in just your bra and panties. Guess the flight attendant might have a problem with that though.”

“Maybe she’d like to join in,” Sarah giggled, “though I think I’d object to sharing you.”

Jay gave that wicked chuckle again, “there’s lots we can do with our clothes on. Want to play?”

“Abso-fuckin-lutely,” Sarah responded.

*****

Seeing as it was the red eye flight once everyone was fed and settled the stewardess had dimmed the lights and all that could be heard was gentle snores and hushed whispers. Jay pulled the blankets from the seat pocket and draped them over himself and Sarah. They were now in a little cocoon of sexual tension and started to explore ways of releasing themselves from their torment.

Sarah slid her hand over Jay’s torso and found the hem of his black tee. Pushing it upwards her hand glided up his smooth chest until her fingers found his nipple. Pinching it slightly until he gasped she leant over and kissed him on the cheek.

“I bet you wish that was my mouth instead,” she whispered as she exerted a little more pressure and rolled the nub between her thumb and forefinger. Jay just moaned discreetly in response and slowly moved his hand so it was cupping her lace-encased breast.

“Two can play at that game honey.”

“I was hoping so.”

His soft fingers pulled the lace of her bra down so he could play too and Sarah nibbled his ear in appreciation.

“Your move,” he suggested.

Sarah ran her hand back down his body and, deliberately missing his hard bulge, stroked her hand up and down his denim-clad thigh, each time getting closer to where she knew he wanted her but always stopping short.

“You’re a fuckin’ tease you know.” Jay pinched her nipple to make her jump.

“I know, get used to it.”

“Like I said before, two can play this game.”

Sarah shivered a little and the promise behind his words and then sighed in anticipation as his hand moved down to her thigh and slid under her skirt. The touch of his fingers on her bare skin made her jump once more and then she relaxed as her caressed up the outside of her thigh to the edge of her lace panties. Shifting slightly she made sure he could reach as far as he (and she) wanted. He pushed a finger under the lace and Sarah pushed her body towards him, begging silently for more.

“And what do I get honey?”

Sarah capitulated knowing she would have to make the first move and began to unbutton his Levi’s before sliding her hand into his boxers and around his ample erection. Gently stroking him she uncrossed her own legs in obvious invitation.

“So, we both know how turned on I am. Do you want me as much as I want you?”

“Why don’t you find out Jay?”

“I think I will.”

He ran his hand up her inner thigh and slid a finger over the lace fabric between her legs. Sarah knew he’d be able to feel how wet she was even through the fabric.

“What’s the verdict?”

“Well I guess I do turn you on honey.” He gently kissed her neck as he gently slid his fingers underneath the fabric of her panties and between her dripping lips. Rubbing her clit with his thumb Jay slid a finger deep inside her.

“I wish you could get your beautiful soft mouth around my dick but I guess I’m gonna have to settle for a hand job tonight.”

“I could blow your…mind.” Sarah responded and began to expertly tease him with her fingers. “Imagine what my tongue could be doing to you right now if we were anywhere but here.”

“You’re a little slut in bed I bet.”

“Too fuckin’ right Jay. I’d be your slut, your slave, whatever you wanted me to be.”

At that point Sarah had to stop talking and concentrate on breathing. Jay’s fingers were creating sensations in her body that she didn’t experience often. God he was good. He knew exactly how a woman liked to be touched, and then some ways she had never realised were that good.

“Ladies first.”

Sarah gave up the last vestiges of control and, as discretely as possible, pushed herself again and again against Jay’s expert fingers until she shuddered in climax.

“Thank you.”

“I know, I’m such a gentleman aren’t I?”

He kept his fingers inside her panties and continued to stroke her clit while she stroked his dick harder and harder. Jay grabbed a few of the paper napkins left over from dinner with his spare hand and strategically placed them on his body to prevent a mess. This ending was definitely going to be a happy one.

Sarah continued to whisper in his ear about exactly what she would be doing with her mouth if she could. More and more Jay wished they were in a proper bed, alone, naked and her down on her knees like she was describing.

“I’m coming honey,” his whisper was strained with excitement.

“I know you are big boy.”

The climax shuddered through his body and Sarah continued to gently stroke him until his breathing slowed and his body relaxed. She was surprised to realise that he was still fingering her and even more surprised to realise that he was going to make her come again. No man had got her to climax twice in such a short time since, oh, never.

Panting silently and smelling of sex they leaned against each other and enjoyed the closeness of an enjoyable experience. Jay buttoned his jeans while Sarah adjusted her skirt and blouse back to a semblance of propriety.

*****

The stewardess gently tapped Sarah on the shoulder.

“We’re going to be landing in a half hour or so, would you like a drink or something to eat?”

“Sure why not. Thanks.”

Jay was already awake and grinned at her as she got up to go to the restroom. She made sure she rubbed her legs against his as she squeezed past which made him grin more. Returning to her seat a little later Jay was ready and he slid his hand up her skirt as she went past him.

“Naughty boy.”

“Don’t you know it honey.”

Sarah wondered what was going to happen after the flight. She knew he lived in LA, he’d been visiting relatives in New York, and wasn’t sure whether he was even looking for an ‘again’ or if this was just a pleasant distraction for him. Mind you, she didn’t think she could cope with a long-distance relationship with a man like Jay – although the phone sex would probably be excellent.

“Look Jay, I don’t expect anything beyond this flight you know.”

“I guess. It would be fun to play in a bed sometime but New York and LA aren’t exactly just down the road are they?”

Sarah laughed, “no they sure aren’t. Shall we just leave it as a very pleasant distraction then?”

Jay looked at her speculatively. “I gotta go home and I have work to do today but I’m free tonight for a re-run and extended version if you’re interested. No strings, no promises.”

“That sounds delicious, I believe you already know some of what I intend to do to you eh Jay?”

“Just what I was hoping for honey.”

Share

It’s Not a Fashion Statement

I got inked Monday.

Not because “everyone’s doing it”. Not because lots of the rock bands I follow have tattoos. Not because of some mid-life crisis.

I did it because I wanted to.

It’s something I half thought of when I was younger but too fucking scared of what my mum would say (I still am a bit which is why I ain’t told her yet). Then I got a case of the ‘normals’ and became a model mother – though not housewife :-).

Anyhow, I always watch LA Ink etc when I can and have been fascinated for a while just couldn’t think what to get. Huh, my brain must have been asleep. One of the constant interests in my life has been Egyptian mythology. I’ve worn an ankh for over 18yrs for fuck’s sake. So that’s what I had done but intersected with the heart I drew for me business logo as that also has lots of meaning for me.

When it’s properly healed, though I must say it looks damned fine as it is, I will get daughter to take a pic.

Share

We Will Rock You

I went to Reading Festival on Friday. I went for two main reasons…

1. My daughter wanted to see 30 Seconds to Mars and I knew they may not be touring for a long time after Reading/Leeds.

2. My Chemical Romance were headlining.

It was wet, muddy and mainly boring until The Offspring came on. I enjoyed The Blackout (saw them supporting MCR in Feb) but the rest of the bands on the mainstage were not my cup of tea at all. I don’t think any of them ‘sang’; BMTH screeched and shouted, Deftones were good musically but the singer droned. I felt quite dreary by the end of their set.

By this time we were leaning against the middle barrier and level with the left hand video screen so not a bad position. We were very glad to lean – older people don’t like to stand for so long :-)

The Offspring were as I expected, professional, tight and I enjoyed their songs although there were a couple I wished they’d played. Then it was a case of waiting for 30 Seconds to Mars. We watched their stage getting set up with the huge Triad and enjoyed the (censored) video of Hurricane on the screen. Unfortunately our view of the stage started to get obscured by tall people standing right in front of us as the area filled up.

Concerts and festivals should have everyone in order of height so us shorties can get to see the stage :-)

I ended up giving my teen daughter (who is actually the same height as me) a piggy-back for some songs so she could see. I hadn’t quite realised how big a fan she was until I heard her sing along more or less word perfect with every song they played. Personally I was glad to have seen them and did enjoy myself but I felt it was more Jared Leto and his backing group than a cohesive band.

Then it was the time we’d been counting down for all day – 10pm.

Daughter dragged me down nearer the front so we could at least have an unobscured view of the video screen, although if we jumped up we could see the stage. I was so glad she did. The atmosphere in the crowd was great, everyone around us were singing along, jumping up and down or waving their hands in the air. The band came on with Na Na Na and that was it.

I have always been a rock fan. I spent my teenage years listening to Judas Priest, Black Sabbath, Van Halen and so on. I went to concerts at places like Manchester Apollo and even conned my mum into letting me go on the coach to Monsters Of Rock at Donnington a few times. Of all the bands it was Judas Priest who I loved the most. I always maintained that thier Screaming for Vengeance gig at Manchester Apollo was the best one I ever went to, with Queensryche’s Mindcrime tour being a very close second. I had the Priest t-shirts, every album (including the really early ones) and posters on my wall. No other band has captured my ears & heart quite like them.

Until My Chemical Romance.

My first recollection of them is I’m Not Okay on Kerrang TV. I bought the first ever issue of Kerrang all those years ago and was made up to find out there was a music channel on Sky. I loved the song & video, I can’t recall whether I bought The Black Parade first but I had that and Three Cheers for Sweet Revenge on my mp3 player for a while. At this point I just enjoyed their music.

It was at some point during early 2010 that I really began listening to the lyrics and discovering just who they were as people. I got hold of Bullets and Life on the Murder Scene and realised how much I really loved this band. I was gutted to miss their small tour in October and eagerly anticipated the release of Danger Days. I was in Asda first thing on release day and texted my poor daughter at school to tell her how great the album was.

I loved the messages behind their songs. I now listen to some other bands’ lyrics and find them mundane because I used to the intricacies of MCR words. As soon as I found out they were touring again in 2011 I told daughter I would be taking her to her very first concert. It was my first ‘rock’ concert for years (Bryan Adams and Robert Plant don’t really count) and the vibe was just how I remembered it from my teen years.

From there on I was hooked completely. I am not ashamed to admit I fangirl a little over them. I admire them for overcoming their problems, I applaud them for daring to be different, I love them for telling us all messages of hope and encouragement.

I never thought that, at my age, I would be such a fan of a band like I was as a teenager. But this group of men have given me back something of my younger years. The excitement of gigs, the emotions of great lyrics resounding through me (yeah Priest weren’t exactly renowned for deep lyrics) and the feeling of wonderful music making me tap my feet or, even in the middle of Sainsbury’s, dance!

I was breathless during Friday’s gig and not because of my asthma. The adrenaline, the emotion – I cried during Kids From Yesterday – everything affected me on so many levels. If I had the money and the energy I would have tried to blag tickets to Leeds Saturday night.

I am sad knowing that it’s probably going to be a year at least before they tour again but excited that at some point next year there will be a new album. In the meantime they play constantly over the stereo while I am in my office working and I have my memories to play over and over in my head.

Thank you My Chemical Romance for helping me rediscover my total love of music.

Share